Iolanthe
or
Oilanthe
or
the selfish and the elfish
Cast
The CEO of Global Oil Inc.
Mr. Havalot (a member of the board)
Mr. Ownalot (another member of the board)
A Security guard
Strephon (a DOC employee, wearing green trousers)
Queen of the fairies*
Iolanthe
Celia
Leila
Fleta
Phyllis (a career woman, and ward of the CEO, who intends to marry late in life)
*The fairies are all 55 fairy years old. They age one fairy year for every 25 mortal years and last had a birthday in 1975. They are thus dressed as hippies at the start of the show, but will change when they finally have their next birthday towards the end of the play. They are also immensely rich, the Queen of the fairies having invested a penny dropped by the tooth fairy when she was ten.
Chorus of Board members, business men, commercial lawyers and fairies
Settings
Act 1 An Arcadian landscape, home of Aromatherapy Holdings, a fairy enterprise
Act 2 The marbled entry lobby of the oil company Elron.
Date: the year 2000
Enter Fairies, led by Leila, Celia, and Fleta. They are carrying candle lanterns. They trip around the stage, singing as they dance.
CHORUS.
Tripping hither, tripping thither,
Nobody knows why or whither;
We must dance and we must sing
Round about our fairy ring!
SOLO--CELIA.
We are ever aging fairies,
Ever singing, ever dancing;
Thus our life-style never varies
And to us is not entrancing.
If you ask the special function
Of our very slow maturing,
We reply, without compunction,
That we think we’re still alluring!
CHORUS.
Yes, we think we’re still alluring!
Tripping hither, etc.
SOLO--LEILA.
If you ask how old we are,
Such a question might just jar--
We were born some years ago,
Just before Rangitoto,
For twenty-five of mortal strife,
Pass only one of fairy life,
But we have to dance togther,
Never from each other sever. (scowl at each other)
Still we know we’re quite attractive
Even though not over active!
CHORUS.
Even though not over active!
Tripping hither, etc.
(At the end of Chorus, all sigh wearily.)
CELIA. Ah, it's all very well, but day after day only seeing the same faces does pall after a while. Since our Queen banished Iolanthe, fairy revels have not been what they were!
LEILA. Iolanthe was the life and soul of Aromatherapy Holdings. Why, she mixed all our essential oils and arranged all our massages! We use her mentha piperita daily but I still feel sick over losing her!
FLETA. To think that nearly fifty mortal years have elapsed since she was banished! What could she have done to have deserved so terrible a punishment?
LEILA. Something awful! She married a mortal!
FLETA. Oh! Is it injudicious to marry a mortal?
LEILA. Injudicious? It strikes at the root of the whole fairy system! By our laws, the fairy who marries a mortal dies!
CELIA. But Iolanthe didn't die!
(Enter Fairy Queen.)
QUEEN. No, because your Queen, who loved her with a surpassing love, commuted her sentence to penal servitude for life, on condition that she left her husband and never communicated with him again!
LEILA. That sentence of penal servitude she is now working out, on her own away from fairy company, I mean Aromatherapy Holdings. I hear she has taken the lowest of mortal employments. She is an office cleaner!
QUEEN. Yes, but when I banished her, I gave her all the pleasant places of the earth to dwell in. I'm sure I never intended that she should go and work for a living! It is so much better to live on unearned income. It makes me perfectly wretched to think of the discomfort she must have undergone!
LEILA. Think of her hands! And her chest was always delicate.
QUEEN. And the hours! Ugh! I never shall enjoy any peace of mind until I know why Iolanthe went to work such unsocial hours!
FLETA. Then why not summon her and ask her?
QUEEN. Why? Because if I set eyes on her I should forgive her at once!
CELIA. Then why not forgive her? Nearly fifty years--it's a long time!
LEILA. Think how we loved her!
QUEEN. Loved her? What was your love to mine? Why, she was invaluable to me! Who taught me that Eucalyptus globulus is an essential decongestatnt for the sinuses? (coughs delicately) Iolanthe! Who taught me that Ocimum basilicum has been thought of for centuries as an aphrodisiac? (fairies look surprised) Iolanthe! Who taught me that geranium oil cures hangovers—fennel gets rid of cellulite—tea-tree cures dandruff?(fairies look horrified) Well even fairies get dandruff sometimes, it’s an oil imbalance in the skin - Iolanthe, did all these and more!
LEILA. She certainly did surprising things!
FLETA. Oh, give her back to us, great Queen, for your sake if not for ours! Many of us have dandruff. (All kneel in supplication.)
QUEEN (irresolute). Oh, I should be strong, but I am weak! I should be marble, but I am clay! Her punishment has been heavier than I intended. I did not mean that she should live and work in the small hours among mops and brushes--and--well, well, it shall be as you wish--it shall be as you wish!
INVOCATION--QUEEN.
Iolanthe!
From thy dark exile thou art summoned!
Come to our call--
Come, come, Iolanthe!
CELIA. Iolanthe!
LEILA. Iolanthe!
ALL. Come to our call, Iolanthe!
Iolanthe, come!
(Iolanthe enters in overalls (from circa 1950) carrying mops, pails and brooms. She approaches the Queen with head bent and arms crossed.)
IOLANTHE. With humbled breast
And every hope laid low,
To thy behest,
Offended Queen, I bow!
QUEEN. For a dark sin against our fairy laws
We sent thee into life-long banishment;
But mercy holds her sway within our hearts--
Rise--thou art pardoned!
IOL. Pardoned!
ALL. Pardoned!
(She drops her buckets and takes off her overalls. They dress her in clothes similar to theirs and give her a candle lantern. The Queen places a diamond coronet on her head, and embraces her. The others also embrace her.)
QUEEN. You look better already.
IOL. I feel better. I missed our birthday.
ALL. She missed our birthday!
IOL. It cannot be too long before we have another one. I have been counting the days in my banishment. There were an awful lot of them.
QUEEN. Yes, very soon we shall all have a birthday, and new clothes.
ALL. Hurrah!
CELIA. And new lights?
FLETA. Yes, new lights!
LEILA. Yes, we had better lights than these when we first opened at the Savoy Theatre.
CELIA. They were electric.
ALL. Electric!
QUEEN. Yes. Yes, new clothes, new lights, the height of current mortal fashion.
ALL. Hurrah!
QUEEN. We shall all be 56.
ALL. (appalled) Ooh…!
QUEEN. Iolanthe, it is so good to see you. What essential oil do you recommend for rheumatism?
CHORUS.
Welcome to our hearts again,
Iolanthe! Iolanthe!
We have shared thy bitter pain,
Iolanthe! Iolanthe!
Every heart and every hand
In our loving little band
Welcomes thee to Fairyland,
Iolanthe!
QUEEN. And now, tell me, with all the world to choose from, why on earth did you decide to become an office cleaner?
IOL. To be near my son, Strephon.
QUEEN. Bless my heart, I didn't know you had a son.
IOL. He was born soon after I left my husband by your royal command--but he does not even know of his father's existence.
FLETA. How old is he?
IOL. Forty-five.
LEILA. Forty-five! No one, to look at you, would think you had a son of forty-five!
IOL. I was a very elderly prima gravida and fairies do seem to have such a long gestation. Strephon’s arrival was a surprise all those years later.
ALL. (sceptical) Humph…
LEILA. But that's one of the advantages of being immortal. We never grow old! At least we don’t grow old very quickly. Is he pretty?
IOL. He's extremely pretty, but he's inclined to get heartburn.
ALL (disappointed). Oh!
QUEEN. I see no objection to heartburn. I always use tarragon oil myself. (massages stomach)
CELIA. And what is he?
IOL. He works for the Department of Conservation--and he loves Phyllis, a career woman. Phyllis is the Ward of the CEO of Global Oil, where I’m a cleaner—where used to be a cleaner.
CELIA. A mere DOC employee, a tree hugger! and he half a fairy!
IOL. He's a fairy down to the waist--but his legs are mortal.
ALL. Dear me!
QUEEN. I have no reason to suppose that I am more curious than other people, but I confess I should like to see a person who is a fairy down to the waist, but whose legs are mortal.
IOL. Nothing easier, for here he comes!
(Enter Strephon, singing and dancing. He does not see the Fairies, who retire up stage as he enters.)
SONG--STREPHON.
Good morrow, good mother!
Good mother, good morrow!
By some means or other,
Pray banish your sorrow!
With joy beyond telling
My bosom is swelling,
So join in a measure
Expressive of pleasure,
For I'm to be married to-day--to-day--
Yes, I'm to be married to-day!
CHORUS (aside). Yes, he's to be married to-day--to-day--
Yes, he's to be married to-day!
IOL. Then CEO has at last given his consent to your marriage with his beautiful ward, Phyllis?
STREPH. Not he, indeed. To all my tearful prayers he answers me, "A DOC employee is hardly fit to be married to the heiress of Global Oil." I stood in his office, and told him about my important work with saving the dotterel and keeping Waiheke Island possum free—I even sung to him, with flageolet accompaniment, a small snatch of endangered whale song—but in vain. At first he seemed amused, so did the Board; but quickly wearying of me and my song, they told me to go. A large security guard escorted me out of the building and into the street. But I will marry her to-day, and brave the upshot, be it what it may! (Sees fairies.) But who are these?
IOL. Oh, Strephon! rejoice with me, my Queen has pardoned me!
STREPH. Pardoned you, mother? This is good news indeed.
IOL. And these ladies are my beloved sisters.
STREPH. Your sisters! Then they are--my aunts!
QUEEN. A pleasant piece of news for your bride on her wedding day!
STREPH. Hush! My bride knows nothing of my fairyhood. I dare not tell her, lest it frighten her. She thinks me mortal, and prefers me so.
LEILA. Your fairyhood doesn't seem to have done you much good.
STREPH. Much good! My dear aunt! it's the curse of my existence! What's the use of being half a fairy? My body can creep through a keyhole, but what's the good of that when my legs are left kicking behind? I can make myself invisible down to the waist, but that's of no use when my legs remain exposed to view! My brain is a fairy brain, but from the waist downwards I'm an out and out greenie. My upper half ages but slowly, but my lower half grows older every day, and some day or other must die of old age. What's to become of my upper half when I've buried my lower half I really don't know!
FAIRIES. Poor fellow!
QUEEN. I see your difficulty, but with a fairy brain you should seek an intellectual sphere of action. Let me see. My investments matured some years ago and must be worth several billion, billion by now. I once found a coin dropped by the tooth fairy when I was—when I was younger—and put it into a savings account in a Swiss bank. It’s done awfully well. I could buy you a small business and set you up. For a start, you could run Aromatherapy Holdings – we only run it as a tax loss. Would you like to go into business? I’m told it can be very advantageous tax wise.
IOL. An executive fairy! That would be delightful!
STREPH. I'm afraid I should do no good there--you see, down to the waist, I would be determined to get my way and make money at any cost, but my legs are a couple of confounded green things, and would be trying to take account of the environmental impact of every decision. It’s a very uncomfortable position to be only environmentally responsible from the waist down. And they're two to one, which is a strong working majority for the Chairman of any Board.
QUEEN. Don't let that distress you; my fortune is immensely, superlatively, vast and you can afford to take the environment into account for all your business decisions. Save as many whales as you want.
STREPH. (bowing). I see your Majesty does not do things by halves.
QUEEN. No, we are fairies down to the feet.
ENSEMBLE.
QUEEN. Fare thee well, attractive stranger.
FAIRIES. Fare thee well, attractive stranger.
QUEEN. Shouldst thou be in doubt or danger,
Peril or perplexitee,
Call us, and we'll come to thee!
FAIRIES. Aye! Call us, and we'll come to thee!
Tripping hither, tripping thither,
Nobody knows why or whither;
We must now be taking wing
To another fairy ring!
(Fairies and Queen trip off, Iolanthe, who takes an affectionate farewell of her son, going off last.)
(Enter Phyllis, singing to the accompaniment of her mobile phone.)
SONG--PHYLLIS.
Good morrow, good lover!
Good lover, good morrow!
I prithee discover,
Steal, purchase, or borrow
Some means of concealing
The care you are feeling,
And join in a measure
Expressive of pleasure,
For we're to be married to-day--to-day!
Yes, we're to be married to-day!
BOTH. Yes, we're to be married, etc.
STREPH. (embracing her). My Phyllis! And to-day we are to be made happy for ever.
PHYL. Well, we're to be married.
STREPH. It's the same thing.
PHYL. I suppose it is. But oh, Strephon, I tremble at the step I'm taking! I believe it's financial suicide life to marry a Ward without the consent of her Guardian, who has charge of all her portfolio. He doesn’t know but I have saved up my salary since I started work 30 years ago and invested it in a solar water heating company. They haven’t done very well up till now but if you could only wait five more years I am sure the rising price of oil will cause my shares to rocket. Then I’ll have a small private fortune. Don’t you think you could wait another five years?
STREPH. Five years. Have you ever looked in the glass?
PHYL. No, never.
STREPH. Here, look at that (showing her a pocket mirror), and tell me if you think it rational to expect me to wait five years?
PHYL. (looking at herself). No. You're quite right--it's asking too much. One must be reasonable.
STREPH. Besides, who knows what will happen in five years? Why, you might fall in love with the CEO himself by that time!
PHYL. Yes. He's a clean old gentleman.
STREPH. As it is, half the Board of Global Oil Inc. are sighing at your feet.
PHYL. The Board are certainly extremely attentive.
STREPH. Attentive? I should think they were! Why did five-and-twenty board members come down for your corporate hospitality last year? It couldn't have been for your pot noodles, though you always heat them up very well. Why did five-and-twenty board members come down to invest in one of your hand done works of art (takes shopping list from Phyllis’ bag and holds it up)? Don't tell me they thought it was going to rise in value! No, no--delays are dangerous, and if we are to marry, the sooner the better.
DUET--STREPHON and PHYLLIS.
PHYLLIS. None shall part us from each other,
One in life and death are we:
All in all to one another--
I to thee and thou to me!
BOTH. Thou the tree and I the flower--
Thou the idol; I the throng--
Thou the day and I the hour--
Thou the singer; I the song!
STREPH. All in all since that fond meeting
When, in joy, I woke to find
Mine the heart within thee beating,
Mine the love that heart enshrined!
BOTH. Thou the stream and I the willow--
Thou the sculptor; I the clay--
Thou the Ocean; I the billow--
Thou the sunrise; I the day!
(Exeunt Strephon and Phyllis together.)
(March. Enter Procession of Board members, corporate lawyers and business men, all searching in bags and pockets for their mobile phones which are playing a fanfare. It is intended that this mobile phone fanfare continues throughout the singing of the tarantara etc.)
CHORUS.
Loudly let the mobiles ring!
Tantantara!
Let the information transfer!
Tzing! Boom!
Hands free handsets are the thing
Instant access is the answer,
Tantantara! Tzing! Boom!
Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes!
Bow, bow, ye tradesmen, bow, ye masses!
Don the braces, clean the glasses!
Tantantara! Tzing! Boom!
Business men of highest station,
Passers on of information,
Making money; exultation!
Tantantara! Tzing! Boom!
(Enter the CEO)
SONG--CEO.
Yes, I’m the true embodiment
Of everything that's excellent.
I have no kind of fault or flaw,
I even keep within the law. (chorus is very sceptical)
My own extensive investment plan
Has made me a very attractive man,
All very agreeable girls must see
They could do much worse than marry me.
A pleasant life they then would owe
To a rather susceptible CEO!
ALL. A pleasant, etc.
But though the compliment implied
Inflates me with legitimate pride,
It nevertheless can't be denied
That it has its inconvenient side.
For I'm not so old, and not so plain,
And I'm quite prepared to marry again,
But there'd be the deuce to pay on the Board
If I fell in love with my only Ward!
Which rather tries my temper, oh,
I'm such a susceptible CEO!
ALL. Which rather, etc.
For if I were to marry my Ward
I’d have to have her on my board,
And women as were all aware,
Would much rather be doing their hair,
Or paint their nails—or powder their nose--
Go to the sales--and buy lots of clothes--
And for decisions of any kind
They never, but never, make up their mind!
Exasperating, as we know,
For a highly susceptible CEO!
ALL. Which is, etc.
(Enter MR. HAVALOT.)
MR. H. And now, gentlemen, to the business of the day.
CEO. By all means. Phyllis, who is my Ward, has so powerfully affected your minds, that you have appealed to me in a corporate body to give her to whichever one of you she may think proper to select, and a messenger has just gone to her studio apartment to request her immediate attendance. It would be idle to deny that I, myself, have the misfortune to be singularly attracted by this younger person. My regard for her is rapidly undermining my constitution. Three months ago I was a richer man, before I bought her that diamond ring. Still it is an investment and will doubtless increase in value. I need say no more. If I could reconcile it with my duty to the company, I should unhesitatingly award her to myself, for I can conscientiously say that I know no man who is so well fitted to render her exceptionally happy. (ALL: Hear, hear!) But such an award would be open to inconvenience since any spouse of mine has a de facto position on this board, as of right. (all nod sadly)
MR. H. Sir, I desire, on the part of this company, to express its sincere sympathy with your most painful position.
CEO. I thank you. The feelings of a CEO who is in love with his Ward are not to be envied. I have given myself to this company and my own personal fortunes, which is not to be underestimated, (all nod) is so tied up in it I should have to settle the agreed percentage of my stock and stock options, set aside to reduce personal tax, you understand, (all nod) on the head of my spouse, were I to marry. And this might leave me short in the future, were I ever to want to unmarry myself—although of course I love her dearly at the moment—but who knows what might happen when she is a wife as well as a ward. Will I think differently when she owns part of my personal wealth? Ah, it is painful to sit in the chair of Global Oil when it is slippery with such oleaginous musings as these!
(Enter Mr. Ownalot)
MR. O. Sir, I have much pleasure in announcing that I have succeeded in inducing the younger person to present herself to the board of Global Oil.
MR.H. (to CEO ) Sir, but I have just been informed in the interests of avoiding a bit of unbundling, or something of that sort, we have reshaped the company. We are no longer trading as Global Oil but as Oxxon Ltd.
(At this point the company turn their briefcases round to reveal a different company logo. They also swap ties etc. to match the new logo.)
(Enter Phyllis.)
RECITATIVE--PHYLLIS.
My well-loved Chair and Guardian dear,
You summoned me, and I am here!
CHORUS OF COMPANY MEN.
Oh, rapture, how beautiful!
How gentle--how dutiful!
SOLO—MR. HAVALOT.
Of all the nice ladies I know
This true career woman’s the fairest;
Her lips have the rosiest show,
Her eyes are the richest and rarest.
Her origin's lowly, it's true,
But of wealth and position I've plenty;
I've real estate holdings for two,
And off-shore deposits for twenty!
Her origin's lowly, it's true,
I've real estate holdings for two;
CHORUS. Of wealth and position he's plenty,
With off-shore deposits for twenty!
SOLO—MR. OWNALOT.
Though the views of the board have diverged
On every conceivable motion,
All questions of discord are merged
In a frenzy of love and devotion;
If you ask us distinctly to say
What person we wish to belong to,
We reply, without doubt or delay,
The person we’re singing this song to!
SOLO--PHYLLIS.
I'm very much pained to refuse,
But I'll stick to my own independence;
I have earned all the money I use,
And I’ve plenty to leave my descendents.
If I marry--I marry for love,
Not for money, or wealth or pretension
I know happiness comes from above,
Not being free from financial extension!
PHYLLIS, MR. H., and MR. O.
For my/her station is one of the best
Even though she was born like the rest
I/she know/knows where to look for a lover
Or perhaps a significant other.
RECITATIVE--PHYLLIS.
Nay, tempt me not.
To wealth I'll not be bound;
In lowly lot
Alone is virtue found!
CHORUS. No, no; indeed great wealth will never hurt you,
Oxxon Ltd. is not devoid of virtue.
BALLAD—MR. HAVALOT.
Spurn not the rich lovelorn
With heart affected,
Nor treat with virtuous scorn
The well-connected.
High wealth involves no shame--
We boast an equal claim
With him of humble fame
To be respected!
Blue chip! blue chip!
When virtuous love is sought
Thy stock is naught,
Dow Jones and FTSE (footse) rip,
Blue chip! Ah, blue chip!
CHORUS. When virtuous love is sought, etc.
Spare us the bitter pain
Of stern denials,
Nor with your cruel disdain
Augment our trials.
Hearts just as pure survive
Within Paratei Drive
As in the lowly dive
Of Surfdale miles!
Blue chip! blue chip!
Of what avail art thou
To serve us now?
Dow Jones and FTSE rip,
Blue chip! Ah, blue chip!
CHORUS. Of what avail art thou, etc.
RECITATIVE--PHYLLIS.
Kind sirs, it may not be.
With grief my heart is riven!
You waste your time on me,
For ah! my heart is given!
ALL. Given!
PHYL. Yes, given!
ALL. Oh, horror!!!
RECITATIVE--CEO.
And who has dared to brave our high displeasure,
And thus defy our definite command?
(Enter Strephon.)
STREPH. 'Tis I—Sir, Strephon! mine this priceless treasure!
Against the world I claim my darling's hand!
(Phyllis rushes to his arms.)
A worker I--
ALL. A worker he!
STREPH. Of Waiheke-
ALL. Of Waiheke!
STREPH. Betrothed are we!
ALL. Betrothed are they--
STREPH. And mean to be-
ALL. Espoused to-day!
ENSEMBLE.
STREPH. THE OTHERS.
A worker I A worker he
Of Waiheke, Of Waiheke,
Betrothed are we, Betrothed is he,
And mean to be And means to be
Espoused to-day! Espoused to-day!
DUET—MR. O. and MR. H.
(aside to each other).
'Neath this blow,
Worse than stab of dagger--
Though we mo-
Mentarily stagger,
In each heart
Proud are we innately--
Let's depart,
Dignified and stately!
ALL. Let's depart,
Dignified and stately!
CHORUS OF BUSINESS MEN.
Though our hearts she's badly bruising,
In another suitor choosing,
Let's pretend it's most amusing.
Ha! ha! ha! Tan-ta-ra!
(Exeunt all the Business, marching round stage with much dignity and singing into their mobile phones. CEO separates Phyllis from Strephon and orders her off. She follows company members. Manent CEO and Strephon.)
CEO. Now, sir, what excuse have you to offer for having disobeyed my express wishes, and I may say the express wishes of this board, since I am its Chair, so it comes to the same thing?
STREPH. Sir, I know no board; I go by Nature's ecomonics. The bees--the breeze--the seas--the rooks--the brooks--the gales--the vales--the fountains and the mountains cry, "You love this maiden--take her, we command you!" 'Tis writ in heaven by the bright barbed dart that leaps forth into lurid light from each grim thundercloud. The very rain pours forth her sad and sodden sympathy! When chorused Nature bids me take my love, shall I reply, "Nay, but a certain CEO, head of Oxxon Ltd., forbids it"? Sir, you may be head of Oxxon, but that very oil only comes because of Nature’s beneficence in supplying it in the first place.
CEO. It's a nice point. I don't know that I ever met it before. But my difficulty is that at present there's no evidence that Nature has any stock holdings in this company and therefore, nature does not have a vote.
STREPH. No evidence! You have my word for it. I tell you that she bade me take my love and if she refuses to make any more oil, then your company will run out of resources, and you won’t have a company any more. Then you may be glad I took your Ward off your hands.
CEO. Ah! but, my good sir, Nature has never let us down yet. We have always had growth and without growth, you know, you can’t make money, something you don’t seem to have realised.
STREPH. Sir, the only growth I am interested in is the growth of my love for Phyllis.
CEO. But where are the tanglible assets in that? I have always kept the need for growth strictly before my eyes, and it is to that fact that I owe my advancement to my present distinguished position.
SONG--CEO.
When I went into business as a very young man,
(Said I to myself--said I),
I'll work on a new and original plan,
(Said I to myself--said I),
I'll never assume that a rogue or a thief
Has morals that can’t offer a certain relief,
To a person trying to rise to be chief,
(Said I to myself--said I!).
Ere I pay any tax I will read the rules through
(Said I to myself--said I),
And I'll never pay anything before it is due
(Said I to myself-said I),
My annual income I will never inflate
And charitable works will be something I hate,
Unless they’re offset against earnings to date
(Said I to myself--said I!).
I'll never throw dust in the excise man’s eyes
(Said I to myself--said I),
Cheat an inspector who is not over-wise
(Said I to myself--said I),
Or assume GST receipts gathered in force
(Expenses, equipment, or going on a course),
Amount to no more than I’ve charged out to source
(Said I to myself--said I!).
In other professions in which men engage
(Said I to myself said I),
The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage
(Said I to myself--said I),
Professional licence, if carried too far,
Your chance of promotion will certainly mar--
But not when in business with a company car
(Said I to myself--said I!).
(Exit CEO.)
(Enter Iolanthe)
STREPH. Oh, Phyllis, Phyllis! To be taken from you just as I was on the point of making you my own! Oh, it's too much--it's too much!
IOL. (to Strephon, who is in tears). My son in tears--and on his wedding day!
STREPH. My wedding day! Oh, mother, weep with me, for my lowly status has interposed between us, and the CEO has separated us for ever!
IOL. The CEO! (Aside.) Oh, if he did but know!
STREPH. (overhearing her). If he did but know what?
IOL. No matter! The CEO has no power over you. Remember you are half a fairy. You can defy him--down to the waist.
STREPH. Yes, but from the waist downwards he can condemn me for being a tree-hugging greenie! Of what avail is it that my body is free, if my legs are still welded to environmental issues?
IOL. True. But take heart--our Queen has promised you her special protection. I'll go to her and lay your peculiar case before her.
STREPH. My beloved mother! how can I repay the debt I owe you?
FINALE--QUARTET.
(As it commences, the Business men appear at the back, advancing unseen and on tiptoe. MR.O and MR.H. lead Phyllis between them, who listens in horror to what she hears.)
STREPH. (to Iolanthe). When darkly looms the day,
And all is dull and grey,
To chase the gloom away,
On thee I'll call!
PHYL. (speaking aside to MR O.). What was that?
MR. O.. (aside to Phyllis).
I think I heard him say,
That on a rainy day,
To while the time away,
On her he'd call!
CHORUS. We think we heard him say, etc.
(Phyllis much agitated at her lover's supposed faithlessness.)
IOL. (to Strephon). When tempests wreck thy bark,
And all is drear and dark,
If thou shouldst need an Ark,
I'll give thee one!
PHYL. (speaking aside to MR. H.). What was that?
MR. H. (aside to Phyllis).
I heard the minx remark,
She'd meet him after dark,
In Whakanewha Park,
And give him one!
CHORUS. We heard the minx remark, etc.
PHYL. The prospect's very bad.
My heart so sore and sad
Will never more be glad
As summer's sun.
PHYL., IOL., MR. H., STREPH.
The prospect's not so bad,
My/Thy heart so sore and sad
May very soon be glad
As summer's sun;
PHYL., IOL., MR.H.., STEPH., MR.O..
For when the sky is dark
And tempests wreck his/thy/my bark,
he should
If thou shouldst need an Ark,
I should
She'll him
I'll give thee one!
me
PHYL. (revealing herself). Ah!
(Iolanthe and Strephon much confused.)
PHYL. Oh, shameless one, tremble!
Nay, do not endeavour
Thy fault to dissemble,
We part--and for ever!
I worshipped him blindly,
He worships another--
STREPH. Attend to me kindly,
This lady's my mother!
MR. H.. This lady's his what?
STREPH. This lady's my mother!
TENORS. This lady's his what?
BASSES. He says she's his mother!
(They point derisively to Iolanthe, laughing heartily at her. She goes for protection to Strephon.)
(Enter CEO. Iolanthe puts her charlady’s headscarf on.)
CEO. What means this mirth unseemly,
That shakes the listening earth?
MR. H. The joke is good extremely,
And justifies our mirth.
MR.O. This gentleman is here,
With a maid of fifty year,
A-doing of a something rather naughty;
And wonders he'd achieve,
For he asks us to believe
She's his mother--and he must be five-and-forty!
CEO. (sternly). Recollect yourself, I pray,
And be careful what you say--
AS this may not be the time to be so haughty.
For I really do not see
How this lady here could be
The mother of a man of five-and-forty.
ALL. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
STREPH. My Lord, of evidence I have no dearth--
She is--has been--my mother from my birth!
BALLAD.
In babyhood
Upon her lap I lay,
With infant food
She moistened my clay;
Had she withheld
The succour she supplied,
By hunger quelled,
Your Strephon might have died!
CEO. (much moved).
Had that refreshment been denied,
Indeed our Strephon might have died!
ALL (much affected).
Had that refreshment been denied,
Indeed our Strephon might have died!
MR. O. But as she's not
His mother, it appears,
Why weep these hot
Unnecessary tears?
And by what laws
Should we so joyously
Rejoice, because
Our Strephon did not die?
Oh rather let us pipe our eye
Because our Strephon did not die!
ALL. That's very true--let's pipe our eye
Because our Strephon did not die!
(All weep. Iolanthe, who has succeeded in hiding her face from CEO, escapes unnoticed.)
PHYL. Go, traitorous one--for ever we must part:
To one of you, rich men, I give my heart!
ALL. Oh, rapture!
STREPH. Hear me, Phyllis, ere you leave me.
PHYL. Not a word--you did deceive me.
ALL. Not a word--you did deceive her.
(Exit Strephon.)
BALLAD--PHYLLIS.
For riches and rank I do not long--
Their pleasures are false and vain;
I gave up the love of a wealthy throng
For the love of a simple swain.
But now that simple swain's untrue,
With sorrowful heart I turn to you--
A heart that's aching,
Quaking, breaking,
As sorrowful hearts are wont to do!
The riches and rank that you befall
Are the only baits you use,
So the richest and rankiest of you all
My sorrowful heart shall choose.
As none are so worthy--none so rich
As this couple of men, I'll find a niche
In my heart that's aching,
Quaking, breaking,
For one of you two-and I don't care which!
ENSEMBLE.
PHYL. (to MR. O. and MR.H.).
To you I give my heart so rich!
ALL (puzzled). To which?
PHYL. I do not care!
To you I yield--it is my doom!
ALL. To whom?
PHYL. I'm not aware!
I'm yours for life if you but choose.
ALL. She's whose?
PHYL. That's your affair!
I'll be on the board, shall I not?
ALL. Of what?
PHYL. I do not care!
ALL. Lucky little lady!
Strephon's lot is shady;
Wealth, it seems, is vital,
Board member is the title,
Yes, of that she’s well aware!
(Enter Strephon.)
STREPH. Can I inactive see my fortune fade?
No, no!
BUSINESS MEN. Ho, ho!
STREPH. Mighty protectress, hasten to my aid!
(Enter Fairies, tripping, headed by Celia, Leila, and Fleta, and followed by Queen.)
CHORUS Tripping hither, tripping thither.
OF Nobody knows why or whither;
FAIRIES Why you want us we don't know,
But you've summoned us, and so
Enter all the auntie fairies
To their usual tripping measure!
To oblige you all our care is--
Tell us, pray, what is your pleasure!
STREPH. The lady of my love has caught me talking to another--
B MEN. Oh, fie! young Strephon is a rogue!
STREPH. I tell her very plainly that the lady is my mother--
B MEN. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
STREPH. She won't believe my statement, and declares we must be parted,
Because on a career of double-dealing I have started,
Then gives her hand to one of these, and leaves me broken-hearted--
B MEN. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
QUEEN. Ah, cruel ones, to separate two lovers from each other!
FAIRIES. Oh, fie! our Strephon's not a rogue!
QUEEN. You've done him an injustice, for the lady is his mother!
FAIRIES. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
CEO. That fable perhaps may serve his turn as well as any other.
(Aside.) I didn't see her face, but if they fondled one another,
And she is just his age--I don't believe it was his mother!
Taradiddle, taradiddle.
ALL. Tol lol lay!
MR. H.. I have often had a use
For a thorough-bred excuse
For to cope with situations that are rorty,
But of all I ever heard
This is much the most absurd,
For she is fifty, and he is five-and-forty!
ALL. Though she is well fifty, and he is only five-and-forty!
Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue!
MR. O. . Now, listen, pray to me,
For this paradox will be
Carried, so please don’t be quite so hoity-toity.
Her age, upon the day
Of his birth, was somewhat fay,
If she's now fifty, and he is five-and-forty!
B MEN and FAIRIES. If she is now fifty, and he is only five-and-forty.
ALL. To say she is his mother is an utter bit of folly!
Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue!
Perhaps his brain is addled, and it's very melancholy!
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
I wouldn't say a word that could be reckoned as injurious,
But to find a mother old as is her son is very curious,
And that's a kind of mother that is usually spurious.
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
CEO. Go away, madam;
I should say, madam,
You display, madam,
Shocking taste.
It is rude, madam,
To intrude, madam,
With your brood, madam,
Brazen-faced!
You come near, madam,
Interfere, madam,
With us here, madam.
(Please be done.)
You're aware, madam,
What you dare, madam,
So take care, madam,
And begone!
ENSEMBLE
FAIRIES (to QUEEN). B MEN
Let us stay, madam; Go away, madam;
I should say, madam, I should say, madam,
They display, madam, You display, madam,
Shocking taste. Shocking taste.
It is rude, madam, It is rude, madam,
To allude, madam, To intrude, madam,
To your brood, madam, With your brood, madam,
Brazen-faced! Brazen-faced!
We don't fear, madam, You come near, madam,
Any here, madam, Interfere, madam,
Though, my dear madam, With us here, madam,
They are none. (Please be done.)
They will stare, madam, You're aware, madam,
When aware, madam, What you dare, madam,
What they dare, madam-- So take care, madam,
What they've done! And begone!
QUEEN. Bearded by these puny mortals!
(furious). I will launch from fairy portals
All the most terrific thunders
In my armoury of wonders!
PHYL. (aside). Should they launch terrific wonders,
All would then repent their blunders.
Surely these must be immortals.
(Exit Phyllis.)
QUEEN. Oh! CEO unwary
It's highly necessary
Your tongue to teach
Respectful speech--
Your attitude to vary!
Your badinage so airy,
Your manner arbitrary,
Are out of place
When face to face
With an influential Fairy.
ALL B.MEN We never knew
(aside). We were talking to
An influential Fairy!
CEO A plague on this vagary,
I'm in a nice quandary!
Of hasty tone
With dames unknown
I ought to be more chary;
It seems that she's a fairy
From Andersen's library,
And I took her for
The proprietor
Of a Hippie Seminary!
B MEN. We took her for
The proprietor
Of a Hippie Seminary!
QUEEN. When next your Board you do assemble,
You may tremble!
CELIA. Our wrath, when gentlemen offend us,
Is tremendous!
LEILA. They meet, who underrate our calling,
Doom appalling!
QUEEN. Take down our sentence as we speak it,
And he shall wreak it!
(Indicating Strephon.)
B MEN. Oh, spare us!
QUEEN. Henceforth, Strephon, cast away
Boots and jerkins, meagre pay--
Possum traps and kakapo;
Into business you shall go!
ALL. Into business he shall go!
Backed by our supreme authority,
His shareholding a majority!
Into business he shall go!
QUEEN. In the world of trading oil,
Rosemary, maybe cinquefoil--
Kerosene—a lighter fraction-
All is now for Strephon’s action!
ALL. Into business, etc.
QUEEN (speaking through music).
Every trade and every measure
That may gratify his pleasure,
Though your fury it arouses,
Shall be passed as he espouses!
B MEN. Oh!
QUEEN. You shall sit, if he sees reason,
Throughout the National Bank cricket season;
B MEN. No!
QUEEN. He shall end the cherished rights
You enjoy on All Black nights.
B MEN. No!
QUEEN. He shall fix that hallowed perk,
Expense accounts for little work.
B MEN. Mercy!
QUEEN. Bonus shares he’ll issue then,
For employees and working men.
B MEN. Spare us!
QUEEN. Hands will sit down with you, though,
Gone the Board’s exalted station
Members will be sought through Co-
Operative consultation!
B MEN. FAIRIES and PHYLLIS.
Oh, horror! Their horror
They can't dissemble
Nor hide the fear that makes them
tremble!
ENSEMBLE.
B MEN FAIRIES, PHYLLIS, and STREPHON.
Young Strephon is the kind of lout With Strephon for your foe, no doubt,
We do not care a fig about! A fearful prospect opens out,
We cannot say And who shall say
What evils may What evils may
Result in consequence. Result in consequence?
But certain vengeance will pursue A hideous vengeance will pursue
All kinds of common people who All businessmen who venture to
Oppose our views, Opppose his views,
Or boldly choose Or boldly choose
To offer us offence. To offer him offence.
He'd better fly at humbler game, 'Twill plunge them into grief and shame;
Or our forbearance he must claim, His kind forbearance they must claim,
If he'd escape If they'd escape
In any shape In any shape
A very painful wrench! A very painful wrench.
Your powers we dauntlessly pooh-pooh: Although our threats you now pooh-pooh,
A dire revenge will fall on you. A dire revenge will fall on you,
If you besiege Should he besiege
Our high prestige-- Your high prestige--
(The word "prestige" is French). The word "prestige" is French).
B MEN. Our corp’rate style
You shall not quench
With base canaille!
FAIRIES. (That word is French.)
B MEN. Distinction ebbs
Before a herd
Of vulgar plebs!
FAIRIES. (A Latin word.)
B MEN. 'Twould fill with joy,
And madness stark
The hoi polloi!
FAIRIES. (A Greek remark.)
B MEN. One Latin word, one Greek remark,
And one that's French.
FAIRIES. Your corp’rate style
We'll quickly quench
With base canaille!
B MEN. (That word is French.)
FAIRIES. Distinction ebbs
Before a herd
Of vulgar plebs!
B MEN. (A Latin word.)
FAIRIES. 'Twill fill with joy
And madness stark
The hoi polloi!
B MEN. (A Greek remark.)
FAIRIES. One Latin word, one Greek remark,
And one that's French.
B MEN. FAIRIES.
You needn't wait: We will not wait:
Away you fly! We go sky-high!
Your threatened hate Our threatened hate
We won't defy! You won't defy!
(Fairies threaten B MEN by taking away their phones. B MEN kneel as begging for mercy. Phyllis implores Strephon to relent. He casts her from him, and she falls fainting into the arms of MR. O. and MR. H.)
END OF ACT I
ACT II
Scene.—Entrance lobby to former Oxxon headquarters. It is moon light. Fairies enter dressed in business clothes with flashing LED jewellery. They replace Oxxon Logo to front of desk and over doorway with a new one, “Elron: for all your oil essentials”. The security Guard, Mr. Willis, an ex-gang member who has been rehabilitated, returns, torch in hand, after his rounds and fairies quietly retreat off-stage.
SONG—MR WILLIS.
When all night long a chap remains
On surveillance, to chase monotony
He exercises of his brains,
That is, assuming that he's got any.
Though never nurtured in the lap
Of luxury, yet I admonish you,
I am an intellectual chap,
And think of things that would astonish you.
I often think it's comical--Fal, lal, la!
How Nature always does contrive--Fal, lal, la!
That every boy and every gal
That's born into this world alive
Is either a tree hugging liberal
Or else a money-grubbing Conservative!
Fal, lal, la!
When on the Board the men divide,
If they've a brain and cerebellum, too,
They've got to leave that brain outside,
And vote just as their leader tells 'em to.
But then the prospect of a lot
Of corp’rate men in close proximity,
All thinking for themselves, is what
No man can face with equanimity.
Then let's rejoice with loud Fal la--Fal la la!
That Nature always does contrive--Fal lal la!
That every boy and every gal
That's born into this world alive
Is either tree-hugging liberal
Or else a money-grubbing Conservative!
Fal lal la!
(Enter Fairies, with Celia, Leila, and Fleta They trip round stage.)
CHORUS OF FAIRIES.
Strephon's now in charge of everything!
Carries every change he chooses.
To his measures all must sing--
Showing that fairies have their uses.
Fairy mores
Are his glories,
Giving an ear to all his stories--
All middle men will now have the blues!
Strephon makes them shake in their shoes!
Shake in their shoes!
Shake in their shoes!
Strephon makes them shake in their shoes!
(Enter B MEN looking very rattled, not being able to sleep)
CHORUS OF B MEN.
Strephon's now in charge of everything!
Brooking no whiles or trumped up excuses.
He demands his word is king
Somehow nobody now refuses.
Fairy mores
Are his glories,
Giving an ear to all his stories
Altering all to his every wish:
Here's a pretty kettle of fish!
Kettle of fish!
Kettle of fish!
Here's a pretty kettle of fish!
(Enter MR. O and MR H.)
CELIA. You seem annoyed.
MR. O. Annoyed! I should think so! Why, this ridiculous protege of yours is playing the deuce with everything! He has just announced that petrol is to be replaced with lavender oil to make for less stressful motoring!
MR. H. He says lavender oil will be a renewable resource because we can grow it!
MR. O. We don’t own lavender fields, we own oil fields. They may not have much in them, but that only means we can make a lot of money out of the little bit that’s left. A scarce resource is very good for profits. He doesn’t understand the first thing about economics!
LEILA. Yes. If you please, that's our fault!
MR. O. The deuce it is!
CELIA. Yes; we taught him that understanding the essential oils of plants is vital in maintaining a healthy body and mind.
LEILA. It's our system. We live so long we have to live stress free lives otherwise we just can’t get on with each other, day in and day out, for over a thousand years now..Why we’ve only just had our birthday and got our new clothes.
CELIA. Imagine how stressful it would be to wear the same outfit for twenty-five years without regular rubs with Laurel to relax you. (Fairies nod)
FLETA And Lemonrass to stop the perspiration. (Fairies nod)
LEILA And Basil to uplift the spirits.
ALL. Yes, yes
MR. H. (interrupting) That’s all very well, but think what it all means. If people are less stressful drivers, they are going to use less fuel, a relaxed and careful driver is an economical driver, and how is that going to be good for annual returns? We need all the boy racers we can create. I don't so much mind for myself, but it’s the small share holders I care for. With no proper oil industry the country must go to the dogs!
LEILA. I suppose it must!
MR. O. And he’s trying to put a carbon tax on fuel to raise money for environmental programmes, like saving the kiwi and the takehe. It will mean we can’t afford to extract so much. But if we stopped all mining and industry then there won’t be any habitat destroyed and there won’t be any shortage of animals, so he’ll have nothing left to save—I don’t think he’s even thought of that!
LEILA. I certainly never thought of that!
MR. O. This comes of women interfering in commerce. It so happens that if there is an institution in New Zealand which is not susceptible of any improvement at all, it is the business round table. Why, just think of the oil industry, it may have had a few shady moments but our continuing glory far out shines them!
SONG--MR. O.
When Exxon really ruled the waves--
Not many years ago
A grounded ship caused much concern
To every guillemot, and tern,
All oiled from beak to toe;
The Exxon lot were known as knaves
In dark Alaska’s darkest days!
CHORUS. The Exxon lot, etc.
Though Wellington thrashed Bonaparte,
As every child can tell,
The French became exceeding cross,
With Amoco’s big shipping loss,
And raised up merry hell:
As BP oiled those frogs and snails
And damaged several off-shore whales!
CHORUS. As BP oiled, etc.
That jewel, the sunny Scilly Isles
Was blackened over night
The Torry Canyon spilt its load
As all the televisions showed
The navy saw the plight,
And tried to bomb and burn the spill
But bombs all missed, their aim was ill!
CHORUS. And tried to bomb, etc.
LEILA. (who has been much attracted by the B MEN during this song). Charming persons, are they not?
CELIA. Distinctly. For self-contained righteousness and an ability to argue for economic reforms give me a business man any day!
MR. H. Then pray stop this protege of yours before it's too late. Think of the mischief you're doing! He only does it because you have all told him to.
LEILA (crying). But we can't stop him now. We’re supposed to care for the environment, we’re fairies—all the stories say how much we like flowers
CELIA. And birds
LEILA. And animals
CELIA. And fish
LEILA. And butterflies
CELIA. And snakes
LEILA. (interrupting) No. we don’t like snakes (aside to Celia.) Aren't they lovely! (Aloud.) Oh, why do you have to go and destroy things, you great geese!
DUET--LEILA and CELIA.
LEILA. In vain to us you plead--
Don't go!
Your prayers we do not heed--
Don't go!
It's true we sigh,
But don't suppose
A tearful eye
Forgiveness shows.
Oh, no!
We're very cross indeed--
Yes, very cross,
Don't go!
FAIRIES. It's true we sigh, etc.
CELIA. Your disrespectful sneers--
Don't go!
Call forth indignant tears--
Don't go!
You break our laws--
You are our foe:
We cry because
We hate you so!
You know!
You very wicked dears!
You wicked dears!
Don't go!
FAIRIES. MR. O. and MR. H.
You break our laws-- Our disrespectful sneers,
You are our foe: Ha, ha!
We cry because Call forth indignant tears,
We hate you so! Ha, ha!
You know! If that's the case, my dears--
You very wicked men! FAIRIES. Don't go!
Don't go! B MEN. We'll go!
(Exeunt MR. O, MR. H, and B MEN. Fairies gaze wistfully after them.)
(Enter Fairy Queen.)
QUEEN. Oh, shame--shame upon you! Is this your fidelity to the laws you are bound to obey? Know ye not that it is death to marry a mortal?
LEILA. Yes, but it's not death to wish to marry a mortal!
FLETA. If it were, you'd have to execute us all!
QUEEN. Oh, this is weakness! Subdue it!
CELIA. We know it's weakness, but the weakness is so strong!
LEILA. We are not all as tough as you are!
QUEEN. Tough! Do you suppose that I am insensible to the effect of manly beauty? Look at that man! (Referring to Mr. Willis.) A perfect picture! (To Mr. Willis.) Who are you, sir?
WILLIS Willis, Ma’am, Eversafe Security Ltd. for peace of mind at lowest prices. An outreach company of the Mongrel Mob. Prisoners transferred, premises patrolled, cannabis plantations protected.
QUEEN. You're a very fine fellow, sir.
WILLIS. I am generally admired.
QUEEN. I can quite understand it. (To Fairies.) Now here is a man whose physical attributes are simply godlike. That man has a most extraordinary effect upon me. If I yielded to a natural impulse, I should fall down and worship that man. But I mortify this inclination; I wrestle with it, and it lies beneath my feet! That is how I treat my regard for that man!
SONG--FAIRY QUEEN.
Oh, foolish fay,
Think you, because
His brave array
My bosom thaws,
I'd disobey
Our fairy laws?
Because I fly
In realms above,
In tendency
To fall in love,
Resemble I
The amorous dove?
(Aside.) Oh, amorous dove!
Type of Ovidius Naso!
This heart of mine
Is soft as thine,
Although I dare not say so!
CHORUS. Oh, amorous dove, etc.
On fire that glows
With heat intense
I turn the hose
Of common sense,
And out it goes
At small expense!
We must maintain
Our fairy law;
That is the main
On which to draw--
So never gain
A paramour!
(Aside.) Oh, paramour!
Type of true love kept under!
Could fire brigade
With cold cascade
Quench my great love, I wonder!
CHORUS. Oh, paramour! etc.
(Exeunt Fairies and Fairy Queen, sorrowfully.)
(Enter Phyllis.)
PHYL. (half crying). I can't think why I'm not in better spirits. I'm engaged to two wealthy business men at once. That ought to be enough to make any girl happy. But I'm miserable! Don't suppose it's because I care for Strephon, for I hate him! No girl could care for a man who goes about with a mother the same age as himself!
(Enter MR. O. and MR. H.)
MR. O. Phyllis! My darling!
MR. H. Phyllis! My own!
PHYL. Don't! How dare you? Oh, but perhaps you're the men I'm engaged to?
MR. O. I am one of them.
MR. H. I am the other.
PHYL. Oh, then, my darling! (to MR. O). My own! (to MR. H). Well, have you settled which it's to be?
MR. H. Not altogether. It's a difficult position. It would be hardly delicate to toss up. On the whole we would rather leave it to you.
PHYL. How can it possibly concern me? You are both on the board, and you are both rich, and you are both plain.
MR. O. So we are. At least I am.
MR. H. So am I.
MR. O. No, no!
MR. H. I am indeed. Very plain.
MR. O. Well, well--perhaps you are.
PHYL. There's really nothing to choose between you. If one of you would resign and leave all his personal wealth to charity, and go and get a proper job, like a bus driver, why, then, I should then see a reason for accepting the other.
MR. O. Havelot, are you prepared to make this sacrifice?
MR. H. No!
MR. O. Not even to oblige a lady?
MR. H. No! not even to oblige a lady.
MR. O. Then, the only question is, which of us shall give way to the other? Perhaps, on the whole, she would be happier with me. I don't know. I may be wrong.
MR. H. No. I don't know that you are. I really believe she would. But the awkward part of the thing is that whichever one of us she chooses, the broken hearted party may be very thankful.
MR.O. Why is that?
MR. H. Well who ever marries this most attractive person before us will have all his assets, real and imaginary, bound up in a family trust! The CEO, her guardian, has arranged it thus. I don’t think I could let that happen to you. I have a very strong regard for you, George.
MR. O. (much affected). My dear Thomas!
MR. H. You are very dear to me, George. We were boys together--at least I was. If that fate were to befall you I would be hopelessly distraught.
MR. O. Then, my dear Thomas, I must not do it. If one of us is to be destroyed financially, then let it be you to spare you the misery of watching over my painful fate!
MR. H. No, no!
MR. O. Ah, yes!--by our boyish friendship I implore you!
MR. H. (much moved). Well, well, be it so. But, no--no!--I cannot consent to an act which would deprive me of ready access to my own wealth and make you so miserable as well. .
MR. O. But it would not do so. I should be very sad at first--oh, who would not be?--but it would wear off. I like you very much--but not, perhaps, as much as you like me.
MR. H. George, you're a noble fellow, but that tell-tale tear betrays you. No, George; you are very fond of me, and I cannot consent to give you a week's uneasiness on my account.
MR. O. But, dear Thomas, it would not last a week! I could go on a Caribbean cruise to take my mind off it, I could buy a Maserati. Why, I could buy a house on Waiheke!. I could still afford to do so. Oh, Thomas, it would not last a day!
PHYL. (coming down). Now, I do hope you're not going to fall out over me, because it's really not worth while.
MR. H. (looking at her). Well, I don't believe it is!
MR. O.. Nor I. The sacred ties of Friendship are paramount.
QUARTET--MR. O.,
MR. H., PHYLLIS, and MR. WILLIS.
MR. H. Though p'r'aps I may incur your blame,
The things are few
I would not do
In Friendship's name!
MR. O. And I may say I think the same;
Not even love
Should rank above
True Friendship's name!
PHYL. Then free me, pray; be mine the blame;
Forget your craze
And go your ways
In Friendship's name!
ALL. Oh, many a man, in Friendship's name,
Has yielded fortune, rank, and fame!
But no one yet, in the world so wide,
Has yielded up a promised bride!
WILLIS. Accept, O Friendship, all the same,
ALL. This sacrifice to thy dear name!
(Exeunt MR. O. and MR. H., lovingly, in one direction, and Phyllis in another. Exit Mr.Willis )
(Enter CEO, very miserable.)
RECITATIVE--CEO.
Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest:
Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers:
Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!
SONG--CEO.
When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is taboo'd by anxiety,
I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in, without impropriety;
For your brain is on fire--the bedclothes conspire of usual slumber to plunder you:
First your duck down quilt goes, and uncovers your toes, and your sheet slips demurely from under you;
Then the coverlet tickles--you feel like mixed pickles--so terribly sharp is the pricking,
And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss till there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking.
Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and you pick 'em all up in a tangle;
Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at its usual angle!
Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hot eye-balls and head ever aching.
But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd very much better be waking;
For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing about in the rolling Jet Raider--
Which reminds you of something atrocious you’ve seen for it’s almost as bad as Darth Vader--
And you're giving a treat (Tip Top ice and cold meat) to a party of friends and relations--
They're a ravenous horde--and they all came on board at Green Lane and Waitakere Stations.
And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started that morning from Epsom);
He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised when he tells you he will drink only rum.
Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by the by, the ship's now a Ferrari),
And you're playing round games, and he calls you bad names when you tell him “commit hari-kari”,
But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, and you find you're as cold as an icicle,
In your shirt and your socks (and your old Holeproof jocks), crossing Canterbury Plain on a bicycle:
And he and the crew are on bicycles too--which they've somehow or other invested in--
And he's telling the tars all the particulars of a company he's interested in--
It's a scheme of devices, to get at low prices, goods from thongs to internet cables
(Which tickled the sailors), by treating retailers as though they were all vegetables--
You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman (first take off his boots with a boot-tree),
And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, and they'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree--
From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea, cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,
While the pastrycook plant cherry brandy will grant, apple puffs, and three corners, and Banburys--
The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Rothschild and Baring,
And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a shudder despairing--
You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonder you snore, for your head's on the floor, and you've needles and pins from your soles to your shins, and your flesh is a-creep, for your left leg's asleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly on your nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue, and a thirst that's intense, and a general sense that you haven't been sleeping in clover;
But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, and the night has been long--ditto ditto my song--and thank goodness they're both of them over!
(CEO falls exhausted on a seat.)
(Enter MR. O. and MR. H.)
MR. O.. I am much distressed to see your Lordship in this condition.
CEO. Ah, men, it is seldom that a CEO has reason to envy the position of another, but I am free to confess that I would rather be two business men engaged to Phyllis than any other half-dozen corporate bodies upon the face of the globe.
MR. H. (without enthusiasm). Yes. It's an enviable position when you're the only one.
MR. O. Oh yes, no doubt--most enviable. At the same time, seeing you thus, we naturally say to ourselves, "This is very sad. The Chair is constitutionally as blithe as a bird--he trills upon the board like a thing of song and gladness. His series of decisions in F sharp minor, given andante in six-eight time, are among the most remarkable effects ever produced in such a Company. He is, perhaps, the only living instance of a Chief Executive Officer whose decrees have received the honour of a double encore. How can we bring ourselves to do that which will deprive this board of one of its most attractive features?"
CEO. I feel the force of your remarks, but I am here in two capacities, and they clash, good sirs, they clash! To be a guardian and want the best financial settlement for my ward and to be suitor of that same estimable lady and to want the best financial settlement for myself!
MR. H. This is what it is to have two capacities! Let us be thankful that we are persons of no capacity whatever.
MR. O. Come, come. Remember you are a very wealthy and kindly old gentleman, and you need have no hesitation in reaching an appropriate settlement for all parties.
CEO. Do you really think so?
MR. O. I do.
CEO. Well, I will nerve myself to another effort, and, if that fails, I resign myself to my fate!
TRIO--CEO, MR. O. and MR. H.
MR. O. If you go in
You're sure to win--
Yours will be the charming maidie:
Be your chore
The ancient saw,
"Faint heart never won fair lady!"
ALL. Never, never, never,
Faint heart never won fair lady!
Every journey has an end--
When at the worst affairs will mend--
Dark the dawn when day is nigh--
Hustle your nerves and don't say die!
MR. H. He who shies
At such a prize
Is not worth a maravedi,
Be so kind
To bear in mind--
Faint heart never won fair lady!
ALL. Never, never, never,
Faint heart never won fair lady!
While the sun shines make your hay--
Where a will is, there's a way--
Beard the lion in his lair--
None but the brave deserve the fair!
CEO. I'll take heart
And make a start--
Though I fear the prospect's shady--
Much I'll spend
To gain my end--
Faint heart never won fair lady!
ALL. Never, never, never,
Faint heart never won fair lady!
Nothing venture, nothing win--
Blood is thick, but water's thin--
In for a penny, in for a pound--
It's Love that makes the world go round!
(Dance, and exeunt arm-in-arm together.)
(Enter Strephon, in very low spirits.)
STREPH. I suppose one ought to enjoy oneself in business, but when one tries to save the environment and make money at the same time it is very hard, the two things are incompatible. If only I had a wife at my side to listen to my problems when I get home in the evening? But I'm miserable, poor, broken-hearted fool that I am! Oh Phyllis, Phyllis!--
(Enter Phyllis.)
PHYL. Yes.
STREPH. (surprised). Phyllis! But I suppose I should say "Mrs ?” I have not yet been informed which title you have been pleased to select?
PHYL. I--I haven't quite decided. You see, I have no mother to advise me!
STREPH. No. I have.
PHYL. Yes; a young mother.
STREPH. Not very--ten centuries or so.
PHYL. Oh! She wears well.
STREPH. She does. She's a fairy.
PHYL. I beg your pardon--a what?
STREPH. Oh, I've no longer any reason to conceal the fact--she's a fairy.
PHYL. A fairy! Well, but--that would account for a good many things! Then--I suppose you're a fairy?
STREPH. I'm half a fairy.
PHYL. Which half?
STREPH. The upper half--down to the waistcoat.
PHYL. Dear me! (Prodding him with her fingers.) There is nothing to show it!
STREPH. Don't do that.
PHYL. But why didn't you tell me this before?
STREPH. I thought you would take a dislike to me. But as it's all off, you may as well know the truth--I'm only half a mortal!
PHYL. (crying). But I'd rather have half a mortal I do love, than half a dozen I don't!
STREPH. Oh, I think not--go to your half-dozen.
PHYL. (crying). It's only two! and I hate them! Please forgive me!
STREPH. I don't think I ought to. Besides, all sorts of difficulties will arise. You know, my grandmother looks quite as young as my mother. So do all my aunts.
PHYL. I quite understand. Whenever I see you kissing a lady as old as you, I shall know it's a relative on your Mother’s side.
STREPH. You will? Then, Phyllis, I think we shall be very happy! (Embracing her.)
PHYL. We won't wait long.
STREPH. No. We might change our minds. We'll get married first.
PHYL. And change our minds afterwards?
STREPH. That's the usual course.
DUET--STREPHON and PHYLLIS.
STREPH. If we're weak enough to tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I,
Of the feeling I inspire
You may tire
By and by.
For men with flowing coffers
Press their offers--
That is why
I am sure we should not tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I!
PHYL. If we're weak enough to tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I,
With a more attractive maiden,
Jewel-laden,
You may fly.
If by chance we should be parted,
Broken-hearted
I should die--
So I think we will not tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I.
PHYL. But does your mother know you're--I mean, is she aware of our engagement?
(Enter Iolanthe.)
IOL. She is; and thus she welcomes her daughter-in-law! (Kisses her.)
PHYL. She kisses just like other people! But the CEO, my guardian?
STREPH. I forgot him! Mother, none can resist your fairy eloquence; you will go to him and plead for us?
IOL. (much agitated). No, no; impossible!
STREPH. But our happiness--our very lives--depend upon our obtaining his consent!
PHYL. Oh, madam, you cannot refuse to do this!
IOL. You know not what you ask! The CEO is--my
husband!
STREPH. and PHYL. Your husband!
IOL. My husband and your father! (Addressing Strephon, who is much moved.)
PHYLL. Then our course is plain; on his learning that Strephon is his son, all objection to our marriage will be at once removed!
IOL. No; he must never know! He believes me to have died childless, and, dearly as I love him, I am bound, under penalty of death, not to undeceive him. But see--he comes! Quick--my headscarf!
(Iolanthe puts her headscarf on again. Strephon and Phyllis go off on tiptoe.)
(Enter CEO.)
CEO. Victory! Victory! Hollow victory! Hollow victory! Success has crowned my efforts, and I may consider myself engaged to Phyllis! I went through all the accounts with the auditors. Strephon’s work in the company has lost me everything I owned. The sales of lavender oil mean everyone is now so relaxed they have time to walk everywhere, or go by bicycle. Nobody drives any more. The bottom has fallen out of the oil market. So I don’t have to loose my fortune in marrying Phyllis, as I no longer have a fortune to loose. I am elated and miserable at the same time.
(Iolanthe comes down veiled.)
RECITATIVE--IOLANTHE (kneeling).
Great sir, a suppliant at your feet I kneel,
Oh, listen to a mother's fond appeal!
Hear me to-night! I come in urgent need--
'Tis for my son, young Strephon, that I plead!
BALLAD--IOLANTHE.
He loves! If in the bygone years
Thine eyes have ever shed
Tears--bitter, unavailing tears,
For one untimely dead--
If, in the eventide of life,
Sad thoughts of her arise,
Then let the memory of thy wife
Plead for my boy--he dies!
He dies! If fondly laid aside
In some old cabinet,
Memorials of thy long-dead bride
Lie, dearly treasured yet,
Then let her hallowed bridal dress--
Her little dainty gloves--
Her withered flowers--her faded tress--
Plead for my boy--he loves!
(The CEO is moved by this appeal. After a pause.)
CEO. It may not be--for so the fates decide!
Learn thou that Phyllis is my promised bride.
IOL. (in horror). Thy bride! No! no!
CEO. It shall be so!
Those who would separate us woe betide!
IOL. My doom thy lips have spoken--
I plead in vain!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear!
IOL. A vow already broken
I break again!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear!
IOL. For him--for her--for thee
I yield my life.
Behold--it may not be!
I am thy wife.
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Aiaiah! Aiaiah! Willaloo!
CEO. (recognizing her). Iolanthe! thou livest?
IOL. Aye!
I live! Now let me die!
(Enter Fairy Queen and Fairies. Iolanthe kneels to her.)
QUEEN. Once again thy vows are broken:
Thou thyself thy doom hast spoken!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah! Aiaiah!
Willahalah! Willaloo!
Willahalah! Willaloo!
QUEEN. Bow thy head to Destiny:
Death thy doom, and thou shalt die!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah! Aiaiah! etc.
(B MEN and MR. Willis enter. The Queen draws a small pistol from her briefcase.)
LEILA. Hold! If Iolanthe must die, so must we all; for, as she has sinned, so have we!
QUEEN. What?
CELIA. We are all fairy wives, we have married these business men and corporate lawyers and accountants. We’re all set up for life.
MR. O. It's our fault. They couldn't help themselves.
QUEEN. It seems they have helped themselves, and pretty freely, too! (After a pause.) You have all incurred death; but I can't slaughter the whole company! And yet (Taking a legal document from her briefcase) the law is clear--every fairy must die who marries a mortal!
CEO Allow me to explain something, these gentlemen no longer have personal fortunes, this young gentlemen has seen to that.
STREPH. But I’ve saved ever so many whales. And this lady here is immensely rich (pointing to Queen) she set me up in business, in your business. I’m sure she will help you all out.
CEO If this lady would care to examine the books, as audited only yesterday, I think she will see that there is no money left at all, she is as poor as the rest of us.
QUEEN You mean there is no money left at all and even fairies will have to work for a living? Such a thing has never been heard of.
CEO It would seem to be the case.
QUEEN Has no-one got any money? (Mr. Willis hastily puts something in his pocket) You sir, (pointing to Willis) is that a coin?
MR. WILLIS (coming forward). Ma'am!
QUEEN. To save everyone from having to do real work for a living I suggest we all become fairies and invest the money in something that will have a guaranteed return, like a saving’s account in the Kiwi Bank. We can all return in two hundred mortal years or so and we should still be young enough to enjoy the vast wealth that will accrue at 7% per annum! Would you give me your last dollar?
MR. WILLIS I was going to buy a lotto ticket.
QUEEN That’s just giving your money to the government. My way could be made to avoid a lot of tax.
MR. WILLIS. Well, ma'am, I don't think much of a bro who wouldn't avoid paying money to the government if he was given the chance, and if he could also save a female in distress…
QUEEN. You are a brave fellow. You're a fairy from this moment. (Wings spring from Mr. Willis’ shoulders.) And you, good sirs, how say you, will you join our ranks? If you do so, all these ladies can then live, as they will be married to fairies, not men.
(Fairies kneel to B MEN and implore them to do so.)
(Phyllis and Strephon enter.)
MR. O. (to MR. H). Well, now that we have no money I really don't see what use we are, here, do you, Havealot?
MR. H. None whatever.
QUEEN. Good! (Wings spring from shoulders of B MEN.) Then away we go to Fairyland.
FINALE.
PHYL. Soon as we may,
Off and away!
We'll commence our journey airy--
Happy are we--
As you can see,
Every one is now a fairy!
ALL. Every, every, every,
Every one is now a fairy!
IOL., QUEEN, Though as a general rule we know
and PHYL. Two strings go to every bow,
Make up your minds that grief 'twill bring
If you've two beaux to every string.
ALL. Though as a general rule, etc.
CEO. Up in the sky,
Ever so high,
Pleasures come in endless series;
We will arrange
Happy exchange--
Fairy games for business wearies!
LORDS CH., Up in the air, sky-high, sky-high,
MOUNT., Free from Wards and work and woe,
and TOLL. I/He will be surely happier, for
I'm/He's such a susceptible CEO.
ALL. Up in the air, etc.
CURTAIN